


kat's drunkfic anthology

by putsch



Category: Devil May Cry, Fairy Tail, Haikyuu!!, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom, 月刊少女野崎くん | Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun
Genre: Crack, Drunkenness, F/F, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Multi, Phone Sex, Rule 63
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-09 00:00:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5517947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/putsch/pseuds/putsch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a collection of short fanfics I wrote while drunk<br/>they're all terrible</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. fem kurodai

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. all of these were prompts from my friends i took running into some horrific direction  
> 2\. i'm not editing them for grammar or spelling  
> 3\. i'm not sorry

kuroo slurped her milkshake from across the diner, all angry and extremely annoyed because of (1) sawamura daichi

"she has amazing tits and a huge ass what the fuck kenma" said kuroo looking over at her bestest friend

kenam just stared into her ds "just talk to her for the love of god"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO what if she is not the gay"

kenma rolled her eyes because this was ennough she is too anoyed at this bullshit. so she waited for this sawamura to come by and smacked her ass

kuroo jumped because oh my god does her bff have a thing for sawamura too??!?

instead kenma just stared at kuroo all aghast like, she was so surprised something kuroo had done. that makes no senese

and daichi just looked at both of them but mostly kuroo and her sharp features, "umm lady look did you just smack my sweet booty??"

kuroo screamed but in her kokoro "no?"

"um bitch i fetl that???? you smacked my ass you better explain" she said while doing that anime thing with he rhands on her hips and making her sweet titties bounce. kuroo died a lil.

"ok youre right i did it please beat me up you beautiful lady"

"wtf" said daichi but she was blushing bc hey, who doesnt want to hear another cute girl be like beat me up but sexually "at least explain why you would do something so messed up"

"ok it was really my friend trying to get your attention??"

"dont lie to me m8:

kuroo laughed but mostly it was crying, but you wouldn't know because shewas that big smug smile that makes he rlook like some kindof mob boss "ok i did it bc ur ass is beautiful but mostly i rly wanna touch your heart, like to get to know you"

daichi burst out laughing "that was so stupid

kuroo blushed "wtf wWT FFFFFF im trying to be smooth dont ruin this forrr me"

daichi shook her head then said okay gimme your phone!?

 

kuroo knew it was not good idea but decided why not bc sawamura is hot sauce. she gaveher the phone and daichi did, as promised, just entered in her number and sent a text to herself before hading kuroo the phone back.

"tjere now we are even, how about to make up for this you buy me dinner" 

 

"it's a date hot ass"

"you're one to talk hot mess" and daichi left and kuroo wept while kenma shook her head and played the fire emblem game to fuck a dragon.


	2. tsukki and akaashi attempt to save christmas

bokuto always throws holiday parties, and you'd think they'd be wild, hard drinking parties but you;d be wrong. bokuto is an innocent bab, he makes hi s parties full of christmas movies like elf and those bad 70s cartoons with the puppets! lots of cookies! chocolates! building gingerbread housess! its tons of fun!

but akaashi and tuskki know better, know that bokuto knows the way he's no innocet - MISTLETOE. bokuto totally loves to see the people getting the smooch smooch o the holidys becaues his friends deserve the good.but akaashi and tsukki know better, cause like, if u dont wanna kiss aperson then you are i the mistletoe thtat is ass?? sp akaash and tsukki were like, no, we will SAE THE INNOCENCE FROM SUCH HORRORS.

wel mostly akaashi. bc tsukki is a smol innocent, at a whole 193 cm tall. tly.

:YOU check this hallway and the front of the house and i will check the back and the kitchen so no one has to kiss." said akaashi

tsukki nodded "damn senpai you are right"

sot hey went to work!!

they managed to take some down, both of them with handsfull of mistletoe before they met back by the backdoor of bokuto's house.

"okay i think this is everything akaashi senpai" said tsukki, nodding

"uh

oh no no it's not" groaned akaashi looking more dead inside than usual

"???wat do u MEAn

"look up tsukishima" said akaashi pointing up above him with a sigh

and lo

it's fucking mistletoe.

"shit" said tsukki

"indeed" said akaashi

 

there was a long pause before tsukki threw the mistletoe i his hand ot the floo "but we should kiss anyway"

"wow kiddo aren't you gonna even try to be chill" said akaashi, seeming uninterested maybe but like, only kinda. he could kiss that giant french fry

tsukishima ripped open his shirt "akaashi senpai u r so great let us make the kiss"

"well the ok" said akaahis with a shrug figuring like y the hell not its not like bokuto would stop hinm??

and he was right bc they kissed and bokuto wooped for a solid 5 seconds before stealing akaashi away to kiss

it was glorious or something


	3. erza and kamina play risk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> erza and kamina are actually the greatest cross-canon couple feel free to ask me about it

kamina and erza were playing battleship one day becaue they make badchoices just ike kat

"im dtaking aUSTRALIA!!" said erza

kamina cried a litl but he is a man so he just said FINE I TAKE HTE USA USA US AUS UAS USA and the steve n coblert chant played in the back

erza was like fin u one

so the game began  
ubt if u ever play risk you know this bad idea???? so bad. fuck this idea. bc the rolls tstart slow but hten eventually eeveryone gives up

kamian nad erza's breaking pointn was when kamina took ukraine. erza was so mand.  
"wTF KAMINA U BUTTHEAD I WANT UCRKAINE GIVE IT TO EME"

'no u kranine is mine"

"YOU BITCH" SHOULDED ERZA "NO SEX 4 U IF I CANT HAVE UKRAINE"

"baBE NO NOT LIEK THIS" cired kamina. he love the sex. "okokokok u can have uktra?E??

"yea u EBETTER???" and erza had u kraine

they continue dto bplay but then erza triedt o ssteal iceland but she lose

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DONT DO TDSI"

"NO ERZA U LOSE DIS TIME U GET NOTHING" AND KAMINA LAUGHED WHILE POSING WHIS CAPE

erza was fvery mad so she slammed her troops into kaminas balls

what do you thina bou that you fat shit she whipsered in the most evil voice

kamina died

rip kmain u gret man


	4. somehow kashima hori and seo have a threeway

kamshima went to practic eone day and she was ON TIME n hori was like who ah whowhahwah who ar u this is not kaSHIMA U MOST BE ALIEN

and kashima was like "????????????? no i am kashima loko adt my beautiful ladies i am true kashim"

and hori was like no idke??? ie m so confuse i must get air

he went onutside and tsared into the distance bc what is happening today. teverything is confuse. who is this person on time to club. what is going on. he pulled out a cigarette and hada smok because today was too mcuh.

"kashima... what is goig on..... what is this life i lead now woh am i is this the future who "

bit hten kasHIMA APPEAR!!eD1!

"horizenapi look there is a reason i am on time today"

"i knew it" his cigarette said, but hori got weirded so he put it out "what is reason"

"the reason is.......................... me and seo do the sex"

hor i was very surprise because this is dnew??

"and we think u should join us bc u are older and also know how to suex"

shit he thought how does she know i know the sex but then he was liek u know what. u know that ehthe fuck. i do knwo the sex and if kashia and seo knwo the sex then we should all doi t. geother.

so hori called off pracit cenad seo locked the club room and soooo uch sex happen it was gr8


	5. dante, virgil, and nero see pacific rim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i've never played a devil may cry game all the way through and i have no idea why i decided to call vergil "virgin" the entirety of this fic

so virgin neroodle nd dante were all together they went ot hte movies

and they were like what moveie do we see???a nd then dante was like

who cur rlet's just break in??? we gods basically? or demons like who give a fuck what are they going to do KILL US

and all three laughed because you can't kill them cause they're liek deom gonds or sme shit i dont get it

so they went and saw pacific rim and winithinthe first 3 minutes they wereliek HSIT SHT SHITSIHTISHTISHTISHTIHSITHSIHT THIS IS THE BE STHTIH THENBE?!???

na dn neroodles was like "no dkruyie would not be my parnter i dont want her to get hrut"

and dante alughed and was line "i bed me and virign would be drifct compadtibale"

and virign was like "id legit rather die than have to eallw/u???? gfuck off dante go write a book about hell"

amd docnte stcoffed HOW COUDL YOU WERE DTWICNS DONT U LVEO ME

na dnerooodles laughed becaue no. teh answer was no

and dante wa slike w:"ahwatever i'll just fuck trishe she lvoe me but tirsh was RIGHT BEHIND THEM OH SHIET

AND SHE SAID DO YOU KNW WAHT SHE SIAD I'LL FUCKIGN ELL U WAHT SHE SAID

SHE SAID yeah id' do all of yu but not virgin i mean his name is virign he must suck in baead  
andn neroodles and dante just jumped up in themiddle of the ehtatera nd shoulded BAZOOINGES

BANDONAKKADONK

DID YOU EHAR THAT

UYOURE A PIECE OF SHIT EVERYONE HATES YOU VIRGIN SUCK A WHILE DICK

and then virgin waggled his eyebrowa ns ewas like how about i suck both ur dicsk  
andn then they all gor thrown out of hte ettheater

the emd


	6. lust and shrek bone down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im not honoring this with tags im just crying that i agreed to write this  
> the things i do for my best friends

lust was in her room when shrek appeared

why hello there shrek i see you are here today for our usual bdsm for julias joy

U RITE I AM HER ETO TIE U UP

ITS OGRE TIEM

ohhhhhhhhh sherke oooooh hhhh lust said as she was tied up in leather bounds at the ehands  
except i was just her hadns so he coudl takeh er into his secret 50 shades of green room

they boned but shrek had to really hold lust down bc lust was rutting up into shrek really hard bc she was like bruv u got a thick dick but it aint good enoguh for me????? gimme it hard mang

and hw ewas liek fuINE YOU READY

SO READY SHREKR SAMA

SO THEY BONED HARD AND THE BE DBROKE UNDER LEATERAND SWEAT

THE END BECAUSE JULI AI LOVE BUT IDK WHAT IM DOING AT ALL


	7. charles xavier & erik lehnsherr run a sex hotline

chales called erik, giggling bc they weredoig aporn hotline hot run

"hello there how may i suck your dick via phoen today" said erik

echarles giggeld like little girl "yes i ummmmm can u tell me whut ur wearing i wanna knwo"

erik smirkedi" i am wearing jeans and no shiert and my boxers and socks tha tis it, i am fresh out of shower what about you hottie boy"

charlestold him {"imw earing my nice slacks, button down, sweater, undies, and my sockies too"

oh no that won't do siad aerik, take off tha t sweater and sockies and undo you pants, ori will becuase iwant to rub my hand on ur dick as we make out sooo hard

ohhhhhhh what is your name phne hottie charles asked as he rippe dhis shirt off i need to know you sound so amzig

its magneto to you buddy and charles shudder all over getting s fucknging hard. this was bad they LIVE TOGEHTER HWAT DO

erik idk about this i am so into it

who is erik erik said i am magneto and im getign you naked and rubbing your sweet hot cock so i cna suck yu dry like a cow

oh mmmmygod okay. doit. i am so hard please magneto you beautiufl!!!!

hm idkkkkk said erik

and charles starts to babble bc he is so hard and desperate as e touches his own dck

ookokokok says erik and he says im puttin gmy fat lips around your beautiluf dick ib et its liekbarely 6 inches and nice and straight looking but sooooooooog ay

oh u know im gay baby says charles he is so sweaty and breathing

yeah oh i know and i am sucking that SWETT DICK AND THEN ERIK BURSTS INTO CHARELS ROOM

H ERIK NO NOT LIKE THIS

NO TOO LATE IMMA SUCK THAT DICK DRY Aand he did. erik suchke that dick and drank all the cummies it was graeat  
so groiousou

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made the mistake of rereading this one while drinking and nearly killed myself at "suck you dry like a cow"  
> drunk me is truly awful


End file.
